Breaker Box

1 Apr

One thing I’m noticing on this trip through China is the tremendous energy of the Chinese people. Even when standing still they seem to be bundles of suppressed energy.

When I get home I’d like to bring some of this energy into my own life. Our household is pretty much soaked in an atmosphere of defeat and depression. This has the effect of creating a sputtering electrical charge that slows everything down.

In this atmosphere, the least amount of accomplishment masquerades as achievement.

After losing my job I was thankfully delivered from the grind. Instead of filling the time with new writing projects I did what I had to do, which was market screenplays and books already written. Marketing is at least partially a waiting game and I haven’t filled this wait with enough meaningful activity. I’ve gotten soft and probably lazier than I’ve ever been – a terrible condition to be in when my family is being rocked by the biggest economic crisis we’ve ever faced.

When I get home from China I want to step up the pace even if it seems artificial at first. It’s time to get out the whip. It would feel good to crash into bed at the end of the day totally worn out

I would love to provide the security Ann needs, but my life has never put a high value on security. I never made the careful moves to establish a safe career, or to create a fallback position. The seven years I was at Travel Agent Magazine I never even made one deposit into my 401 K. In retrospect it was a dumb move, but I didn’t want to put any energy into staying there.

It’s undeniable that I’m the wrong man for Ann. She was courted by millionaires and she chose me. I’m sure she kicks herself over that one.

 

(2004)

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